"Dress Your Best Life" by Dawnn Karen

I've been waiting for this book to become available at the library and it finally did!  This book is all about the psychology of dressing and how fashion impacts one's emotions.  Besides the introduction--which I found incredibly sad--the book was rather fun.  It went into several psychological studies (backed up by references in the back of the book) about how what we wear impacts how we are perceived by others and ourselves.  It's fascinating what a difference in mood and success can come about from a simple change of attire!  What I really liked about this book were the case studies included from real clients.  Karen introduces her clients, analyzes their problems, and offers style solutions that anyone can understand.  From tops to bottoms to jewelry and accessories, this book covers it all.  As a disclaimer, though, I should point out that this book focuses on psychology rather than a one-stop-shop for fashion quick fixes.  Karen doesn't tell people what colors to wear or what latest trend to purchase.  Rather, she tells readers to identify their core values and wear what makes them feel happy.

The American Dream and Hard Work

 

Recently some friends of mine have brought up the notion of The American Dream.  They claimed it's no longer possible, especially for those born into poverty or who don't live in wealthy school districts.  I wholeheartedly disagree.

Growing up, my family was thriving middle class until my father passed (may he rest in peace).  A stay-at-home housewife, my mother was not prepared to go to work.  With few transferable skills outside the home, she struggled with minimum wage jobs--often working multiple just to get by.  I remember getting free and reduced price lunch at school and using coupons to get dinner at McDonalds.

Despite this, it was instilled in me that I needed to study hard, work hard, and earn good grades.  Thru blood, sweat, and tears, I managed to get straight A's in grammar and middle school.  When I was in high school, I went to the library and got a large book on the topic of job outlooks and salaries.  It was from this book that I realized my love of English wouldn't lift me out of poverty but that my love of math likely would.  

With my sights set on engineering, I researched the best engineering schools.  There was just one problem, though--my high school did not offer physics.  Engineering schools needed high school applicants to have passed physics.  Not knowing what to do but knowing I needed to "find a way", I met with teachers, guidance counselors, and even my principal.  It was decided that I would take physics night classes at the the local community college.  With no bus route connecting my home to the college, no car for me to drive (I didn't even have a licence yet), and my mother too busy out working jobs to transport me, I walked the 1.5 mile walk to and from class two days a week for months.  It was not easy but I did it.  

Once admitted to Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute (RPI), I researched scholarships and applied to as many as I could.  Upon discovering that RPI offered a large scholarship to one student from every high school it admits, I was excited.  Since no one from my high school had ever been accepted to RPI, there was no precedence.  Again, I met with teachers, guidance counselors, and even my principle to get the paperwork filed.  With no one else lined up for RPI, it was an easy pick for me to get the scholarship.  It was not handed to me; I had to take initiative.

At RPI, I was in for a rude awakening as chemistry came back to haunt me.  You see, while in high school, my chemistry teacher went out on maternity leave.  As well-meaning as the substitute teacher was, he did not teach all the chemistry fundamentals that should have been taught.  I remember feeling embarrassed and scared when other students in my college chemistry class were whizzing by me as I struggled to keep up.  Averaging a D near the end of the semester, I was worried.  Tutoring and office hours didn't help as even those went too fast for me.  So, I did the only thing I could think of and read the textbook.  I read that book so slow that it took what felt like an eternity.  Going at my own pace, I read that textbook cover to cover (600+ pages) 3 times.  On the day of the final, I got an A and my professor was beyond shocked and impressed.  Averaging my grades together, I passed chemistry with a B-.  If I had failed chemistry, I would have been ineligible for an engineering degree and my hopes crushed.

Every summer, while other kids were out working retail jobs or enjoying the sunshine, I applied to and attended summer research programs at universities around the country.  I knew my resume had to include such activities if I had any hopes of landing a technical internship closer to graduation.  It paid off.  After four grueling years of engineering rigor, I landed my first engineering internship.  Working hard from there, I landed my first full time engineering job.  As they say, the rest is history as I am living out my own version of "The American Dream".

It doesn't matter how poor you are or how bad your school is.  If you have eyes to read and legs to walk, you can make the impossible possible.  Take advantage of your local library and make your own path where one does not yet exist.

Are Homosexuals Really "Born This Way"?

 

With pride parades commonplace in many major cities, I started to think about the topic of homosexuality.  As rainbow flags and "love is love" signs hang in storefront windows, I question the notion of attraction, action, and spousal choice.  I also question why the need to showcase "pride" is so important to some people--as a heterosexual person, I have no desire to start straight parades.

Every day, there are men and women faced with the choice of who to pick as their spouse and which relationships to pursue.  It was in this pondering that I came to the conclusion that love truly is a choice that is impacted by various societal factors.  I'll explain.

Regardless of how much someone notices the attractiveness of another person, they are likely going to control themselves if certain criteria are met.  They will either take the action to stop dwelling on a person, avoid thinking of a person sexually, and certainly cease pursuit of a romantic relationship with a person if the person they find attractive is:

- a family member

- a minor under 18 years of age

- married or otherwise "taken"

- not interested / not reciprocating feelings

Or what of married folks?  Just because someone ties the knot doesn't mean they stop finding others attractive.  If they are serious about their vows, they choose to not act on extra-marital attractions.

This does not even take into account people who take religious vows of abstinence.  For the sake of their religious devotion and fervor, they swear off all future romance.  While some who take such vows are unsuccessful, there do exist people who successfully uphold their vows.  Control of romantic desires may be difficult, but it is possible.

On another note, many factors go into choosing one's life partner.  While attractiveness and chemistry is important, it is not the only deciding factor.  As attractive as someone may be, they may not be chosen as a life partner if they have financial struggles, an undesirable family, addictions, etc.  Then there is the topic of children.  As wonderful as someone may be, they may not be chosen as a life partner if they are unable to have children or do not want to have children.

Regardless of who you find attractive, I hope this has given you something to think about.  Who do you find attractive?  When you do restrain yourself from pursuing a romantic interest, what factors influence you?  What factors beyond attraction are important to you? 

The Chemical Side of the Transgender Coin

 

"Transgender individuals have a gender identity that differs from the sex they were assigned at birth" [1].  While I am not personally transgender, the closest experience I had was while out shopping.  There was an outfit on sale that looked phenomenal on the hangar.  After trying it on in the fitting room, I took one look in the mirror and gasped.  Despite the ensemble being a woman's outfit from the woman's department, it felt extremely masculine.  Perhaps it was the cut of the fabric or how it fit on my body shape.  Regardless, I felt like a woman in man's clothes and immediately changed back into the clothes I walked in with.  Putting the outfit back on the hanger, I walked out with a sigh of relief.  It was later that I realized how transgender individuals may feel.  I sympathized with their struggles.  While I could change clothes to feel like myself, those whose bodies do not match their minds / spirits are unable to change.  Despite cross-dressing, surgeries, and hormone therapies, some never feel at home in their bodies.

Years ago, I came across a work newsletter.  It was a place for employees to share family and life updates, as well as current events in the community.  While I can't seem to find a record of the newsletter (I wish I saved a copy!), I remember distinctively a transgender woman named Trinity who transitioned from man to woman via surgery.  In the article, Trinity briefly mentioned how a fertility drug from the 1940s-1970s that her mother took has been linked to several other cases of transgender persons.  Trinity questioned whether or not her life experience and struggles were due to drugs.   

Trininty brought up the drug Diethylstibesterol, which she and countless other transgender persons believe is the reason for them being transgender [2].  Some studies even suggest that the drug may impact sexual orientation [3].  I believe there is still much to be learned in science when it comes to human life.  The factors which influence gender identity at conception, in the womb, and beyond may never be fully understood.  This is why I believe more research is needed to identify the cause of transgender identity so that it can one day be eliminated.  It would be a wonderful day when everyone in the world feels at peace in their body--where no one has a disconnect between their body and their mind / spirit.  

For all those would-be parents out there, please be diligent about what you put into and onto your bodies.  If any food or medication has hormones, it may impact your future babies.  While studies are not out yet, I often wonder about the impact of hormone-based birth controls (e.g.- the "pill") on both mothers and children.  It is a well established fact that mothers who ingest alcohol while pregnant have a higher likelihood of their babies being born with birth defects [4].  What other consumable substances impact babies?  The world may never know.

References

1.  Meerwijk, Esther L et al. "Transgender Population Size in the United States: a Meta-Regression of Population-Based Probability Samples".  American Journal of Public Health.  01 Feb 2017. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5227946/

2. WTSP Staff. "Can a drug make you transgender?".  WTSP Health. 25 May 2016. https://www.wtsp.com/article/news/health/can-a-drug-make-you-transgender/215234337

3.  Troisi, Rebecca et al. "Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation Identity in Women and Men Prenatally Exposed to Diethylstilbestrol".  Archives of Sexual Behavior. 23 Jan 2020.   https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7031187/

4. "Fetal Alcohol Syndrome".  The Mayo Clinic.  10 Jan 2018. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/fetal-alcohol-syndrome/symptoms-causes/syc-20352901#:~:text=Fetal%20alcohol%20syndrome%20is%20a,alcohol%20syndrome%20are%20not%20reversible.

Why America was overdue for a health epidemic

 

Called the “invisible enemy” [1], COVID-19 has seemed to take many Americans by surprise.  The flu death rate hovers around 0.1%, and the COVID-19 death rate sits higher at 1-3.4% [2].  While this can appear both shocking and scary, one can not help but wonder why the media and government are not all up in arms over cardiovascular disease and cancer.  The Center for Disease Control (CDC) makes no attempt to hide the fact that 1 in 4 Americans die every year from heart disease--that’s a 25% death rate [3].  A close second behind heart disease is cancer, whose death rate the CDC places at ~18% [4].

So, statistically speaking, if COVID-19 is not America’s biggest killer, why is society turning upside down with stay-at-home orders, forced business shutdown, and social distancing?  The answer is that, while heart disease and cancer kill way more people, those deaths are spread out such that the health care system can handle them; they are not infectious disease that spread at exponential rates.  “The faster the [COVID-19] infection curve rises, the quicker the local health care system gets overloaded beyond its capacity to treat people...more and more new patients may be forced to go without beds, and more and more hospitals may run out of the basic supplies they need to respond to the outbreak” [5].  Translation: COVID-19 is putting too much stress on our health care system.  

Heart disease and cancer can be curtailed with healthy lifestyle choices as simple as diet, exercise, and not smoking [6].  But what about COVID-19?  Can that be avoided with good lifestyle decisions, or is everybody at the mercy of this beast?  According to the CDC, besides the elderly, those with heart disease, lung disease, and diabetes are at the highest risk of severity, hospitalization, and death from COVID-19 [7].  It should also come as no surprise that those who are obese are at higher risk for COVID-19 [8].  In fact, before the unique COVID-19 strain of corona virus really broke out, a paper was written linking weight to other corona virus deaths [9].  Being overweight is why obese-laden states like Louisiana are being hit harder with COVID-19 deaths when compared to other states [10].

Personal trainer Paul Robinson said it best: “Hand sanitizer, toilet paper and masks are not the answer. To protect yourself against this global killer, take the following steps: avoid smoking, manage your weight (avoid obesity), be more active, emphasize plants and whole grains in your diet, reduce meat.  The number one cause of death in America is the American diet. Instead of clearing store shelves of masks, we should be filling our carts with fruits and vegetables. Lifestyle-related deaths will far surpass anything the Coronavirus can dish out (half the population is obese), yet all we talk about is hand sanitizer and toilet paper” [11].

As a nation, we must take responsibility for our own actions.  This includes diet, exercise, and lifestyle choices.  To give an analogy, picture a married couple who hasn’t been on a date in years, constantly argues, doesn’t go to counseling.  When one spouse finally has an affair, it is so easy to blame “the other woman” or “the other man”.  However, had the marriage been strengthened over the years, this tragedy may have been avoided.  It’s the same with our nation’s health.  Had we been making healthy lifestyle choices for years, this COVID-19 wouldn’t have had the disastrous effect on society that it does now.  And for all the people who believe their health only effects them, take a look at the economic tragedy, massive job loss, and quarantine-induced depression.  How much of that could have been avoided if we were all healthier?  Just some food for thought.   

The CDC estimates that ~70% of Americans are overweight and ~40% are obese [12].  To determine if you are at a healthy weight, the CDC has a free Body Mass Index calculator www.cdc.gov/healthyweight/assessing/bmi/adult_bmi/english_bmi_calculator/bmi_calculator.html

References:

1. Kurtz, Howard.  “Trump ramps up after dire report, media also getting low marks”.  Fox News.  18 March 2020.  www.foxnews.com/media/trump-ramps-up-after-dire-report-media-also-getting-low-marks

2. Swenson, Dan.  “Coronavirus vs. the flu: A look at key statistics and why that comparison is a no-contest”.  Nola News.  29 March 2020. www.nola.com/news/coronavirus/article_e33c0cf0-7090-11ea-b3da-53f5ab31dd4b.html

3. “Heart Disease Facts”.  CDC.  5 April 2020.  www.cdc.gov/heartdisease/facts.htm

4. “Cancer”.  CDC.  5 April 2020.  www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/cancer.htm

5. Specktor, Brandon. “Coronavirus: What is 'flattening the curve,' and will it work?”.  Live Science.  16 March 2020.  www.livescience.com/coronavirus-flatten-the-curve.html

6. Willett, Walter C et al.  “Prevention of Chronic Disease by Means of Diet and Lifestyle Changes”.  NCBI. 1 Jan 2006.  www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK11795/

7. “Situation Summary”.  CDC.  26 March 2020.  www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/cases-updates/summary.html

8. Morrison, Oliver.  “Coronavirus and obesity”.  Food Navigator.  24 March 2020.  www.foodnavigator.com/Article/2020/03/24/Coronavirus-and-obesity-industry-urged-to-act-post-crisis

9. Moser, Joe-Ann S et al. “Underweight, overweight, and obesity as independent risk factors for hospitalization in adults and children from influenza and other respiratory viruses”.  NCBI. 4 Dec 2018.  www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6304312/

10. Brooks, Brad.  “Why is New Orleans' coronavirus death rate twice New York's? Obesity is a factor”. Reuters.  2 April 2020.  www.reuters.com/article/us-health-coronavirus-new-orleans/why-is-new-orleans-coronavirus-death-rate-seven-times-new-yorks-obesity-is-a-factor-idUSKBN21K1B0

11. Robinson, Paul.  “Fitness column: Unhealthy diet and lifestyle far surpass Coronavirus risk”. Edmonton Journal.  12 March 2020.  https://edmontonjournal.com/health/diet-fitness/fitness-column-unhealthy-diet-and-lifestyle-far-surpass-coronavirus-risk/

12. “Obesity and overweight”.  CDC.  1 Jan 2018.  www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/obesity-overweight.htm

Is your appearance helping or hurting you? - social engineering and modern modesty

This note is not about religious rules of dress.  Nor is it about blaming sexual harassment on women’s clothing choices [1].  Rather, this is about social engineering and challenging women to create the image that projects who they want to be.

It would be naive to think that appearance does not affect how one is perceived.  It may not seem right or fair, but it is how the world operates.  No matter my religion, if I walk around in a hijab, many people will assume I am Muslim.  No matter my occupation, if I walk around in a white coat with a stethoscope, many people will assume I am a doctor.  No matter my marital status, if I walk around with a big diamond on my left ring finger, many people will assume I am married.

How one looks can affect level of success in life, as well as assumed levels of intelligence, or lack thereof [2].  No matter how educated, experienced, or qualified I am for a job, if I show up to an interview in pajamas, I am likely not going to get the position.  No matter how many good qualities I may have for being a wife and mom, my chances of attracting a husband will go down drastically if I am overweight [3].  While it’s said that it’s what’s on the inside that counts, that oftentimes does not play out in real life.  Noting human psychology thousands of years ago, even the Bible says, “People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7).  

Then there are societal norms.  The degree to which one feels out of place will depend on environment.  Someone wearing a ballgown would feel very out of place at a swimming pool, just as someone wearing a Halloween costume would feel very out of place at a funeral.  The key is to stay within cultural norms while “dressing up” so to speak.  This looks different in different communities.  A successful businesswoman in Ireland, for example, would dress very differently compared to a successful businesswoman in Ghana.  The level of class and sophistication will be the same, but the particulars of the outfit will differ.  In the workplace, it is often said that one should dress for the position they want.  In life, I say dress for the person you want to be.

There is a reason why British royalty and even American first ladies dress a certain way.  You’d be hard pressed to find a recent photo of Meghan Markle or Michelle Obama in a mini skirt or with an extremely low cut top or in a skin-tight outfit.  They may have dressed differently in the past, but once they became royal / presidential, they changed their look.  Such women dress fashionably yet not seductively.  They look healthy, fit, and well put together. 

When it comes to modesty, conservative looks appear more professional, smart, and classy [2].  Note that if one is modest while not fashionable, that can also hurt their public perception.  There is a way to dress conservatively that looks stylish...and there is a way to dress conservatively that looks like a brainwashed religious fanatic (I’ll let you conjure up your own mental images there!).  How you dress is up to you.  Who do you want to be and how do you want to steer public opinion of you in your favor while still staying true to your values?  

There are two exercises to illustrate the main point.  The first one is to list 5 qualities that you aspire to and then sketch some drawings of what you think people who embody those qualities look like in real life.  The second one is to wear 5 different outfit styles out in public and journal how you are treated differently in each.  While this note was written towards women, the main ideas apply to men, as well.  What type of man do you want to be perceived as?  Do people treat you differently when you wear a suit vs basketball shorts [4]?  Feel free to do the exercises, as well, and share your thoughts.

References

1. Ritschel, Chelsea. “Rape Victims’ Clothing Displayed to Prove Clothing Choice Doesn’t Cause Rape”.  Independent (10 Jan 2018).   https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/rape-victims-clothes-displayed-brussels-belgium-debunk-victim-blaming-myth-a8152481.html  

2. Johnson, Kim.  “Dress, body and self: research in the social psychology of dress”.  Fashion and Textiles (22 Nov 2014).  https://link.springer.com/article/10.1186/s40691-014-0020-7 

3. Fottrell, Quentin. “Rich women like rich men, and rich men like slender women”.  Market Watch (23 May 2016).  https://www.marketwatch.com/story/rich-women-like-rich-men-and-rich-men-like-slender-women-2015-09-28 

4. Fletcher, Ben C.  “What Your Clothes Might Be Saying About You”. Psychology Today (20 Apr 2013).   https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/do-something-different/201304/what-your-clothes-might-be-saying-about-you 

My De-Cluttering Journey

 

The bag you see in the photo is a work of art that gets me many compliments.  However, it had been sitting forgotten in my closet for 3 years due to clutter.  Why was that?  Let me start at the beginning...  

Growing up, my family would often walk around shops on the weekend.  It was something to do and provided exercise when the New York City weather wasn’t conducive to outdoor outings.  When I grew up and moved out on my own, I naturally started walking around shops.  This time, though, I had a salary and could actually buy things.  Which I did.  A lot.  Items would pile up, but I didn’t think much of it.  My wake up call came when I moved from Seattle to San Diego.  While the movers packed everything up for me, I had to unpack and put away everything on my own.  It was then I realized how many unnecessary items I was holding onto, as well as how many hidden gems I had forgotten about.  

Wanting to improve my situation but not sure where to start, I read some books.  I read  Anuschka Rees’ book [4] on cleaning out one’s closet.  Her premise is to make one’s lifestyle align with one’s wardrobe.  From doing the exercises in her book, I realized my closet was not full of well-put-together work and social outfits.  Rather, it was full of mismatched items that were mostly “on sale” impulse buys.  I also realized that having too many clothes prevented me from really knowing what I had.  For instance, 5 days after buying a black work skirt because I felt it was missing from my professional wardrobe, I found a black work skirt buried in my closet that I forgot I had.  Thank God it still fit!

Then I read Jennifer L Scott’s books [1,2,3] on cultivating class as a woman.  After studying abroad in France, she wrote three books on the French lifestyle.  Scott’s books really made me think about how I carry myself both inside and outside my home.  How much is clutter taking over my apartment?  How easy is it for me to find an item I am looking for?  Do I reach for familiar sweats when I really could be wearing a stunning dress?  Scott’s philosophy is to live every day like it’s a special occasion.  Part of this involves purging one’s home of junk and ill-fitting / unflattering clothes.  When all you have are nice things, you are forced to use them.

After much growth and personal discovery, my de-cluttering process started.  It was slow and time-consuming, and honestly still in progress.  What I did was organize everything I had and make some difficult decisions about what I really wanted in my life.  For the lower-cost items, I made trips to the Goodwill Donation Center.  For the higher-cost items, I sold them online or gave them away thru Buy Nothing [5].  Buy Nothing is an online forum where people can post photos of items they wish to donate.  Then, members of the local community can comment on what they want to arrange pickup.

Now I strive to only wear my best clothes, eat on my finest dishes, and know where everything in my apartment is.  I shop much less, and when I do buy something, I make sure it is an item I actually need instead of just an impulse “clearance buy”.  Rather than blowing my paycheck at the mall, I save up for vacations and experiences, which studies show bring more happiness anyway [6].  Whenever I move next, I will not be overwhelmed with unpacking boxes and boxes of unnecessary items.  How about you?  Where are you on your de-cluttering journey?  Do you wear and use your best items or save them for a “special occasion”?  What hidden gems have you found buried in your home?

References

1. “Lessons from Madame Chic” by Jennifer L Scott

2. “At Home with Madame Chic” by Jennifer L Scott

3. “Polish Your Poise with Madame Chic” by Jennifer L Scott

4. “The Curated Closet” by Anuschka Rees

5. “The Buy Nothing Project”, https://buynothingproject.org/

6. Rampton, John.  “7 Reasons Why Spending Money on Experiences Makes Us Happier Than Buying Stuff”.  The Entrepreneur.  15 May 2017. www.entrepreneur.com/article/294163

"The Grown-Up Girl's Guide to Style" by Christine Schwab

This book is a fun style guide for mature women.  It really is aimed at women who are above 40.  I wished this was conveyed on the cover.  As someone pushing 30, I consider myself a grown up girl in the sense that my style is more sophisticated than it was as a teen.  That being said, however, I do not consider myself in the same style category as someone 40+.  While I learned some classic fashion tips, I did not like how the book promoted plastic surgery.  I believe in aging gracefully.  While we won't look the same at 60 as we did at 20, I do not think that justifies needles or going under the knife.  The biggest takeaway I took from this book is that one should always stay current while not chasing the latest fad.  Your hairstyle from 10 years ago may need a revamping, but that does not mean you need to jump on the bandwagon of women shaving half their heads.  Stay true to yourself but also get with the times.  Also, as you age, cover up more.  While I don't think showing excess skin is classy at any age, it certainly seems to be less socially appropriate the older a woman gets.