Relationship Tips

Healthy Thinking

• Know that not everyone your age is in a relationship
• If you find yourself constantly around couples, change up your social circles. Find more single friends who will not make you feel singled out (no pun intended).
• Know that not every relationship is good
• Smiles in person or in pictures does not mean there are no issues at home. I’ve personally known troubled couples who fake happiness to save face.

Healthy Seeking

• Do what you love and meet people with similar interests
• Play sports you like, go to museums you like, and do hobbies that interest you. If you meet someone there, you will already have something in common.
• Go to places where your ideal mate may go
• If you don’t want an alcoholic, don’t go to bars. If you want someone kind, volunteer. If you want someone spiritual, consider going to a religious gathering.

Healthy Interacting­

• Focus on being friends with as many people as possible
• The foundation of any successful relationship is friendship. Also, some people who are not the right one for you may set you up or introduce you to more single friends. Another reason to focus on friendship is that some people may already be taken. 
• Never assume anyone is romantically interested
• When we start fantasizing about futures with people, this can impact how we interact with them. It can even lead to disappointment if some person never pursues you. Keep it cool to avoid any awkwardness or anxiety.

Healthy Confidence 

• Be someone that others want to be around
• Be attractive physically by tending to your appearance. Be attractive mentally by thinking of meaningful conversation ahead of time. Be true to who you are.
• Be open to the pursuit of others
• If someone wants to talk to you, that is okay. If someone wants to ask you out, that’s okay. Be open to possibilities. Also know when to say no if you are not interested.

Healthy Living

• Don’t feel bad for wanting to find someone
• Many people are looking for their special someone. It is not embarrassing to want to find someone or take steps to improve your odds. 
• Don’t feel like you need to stay with someone
• If you are not happy with someone, you do not have to stay with them. You are not obligated to spend time with someone if you do not want to. We can make ourselves love all people, but we cannot make ourselves be in love with all people.

Healthy Breakups

• Be honest with the person 
• You are only responsible for your actions—not the actions of others. Communicate how you are going to see other people and are not ready for commitment.
• Maintain your reputation
• If you had stuff on social media, take it down. If your friends ask about your former significant other, say you are just friends now and then quickly change the subject.

Healthy Dating

• Set your expectations early on
• Let the other person know your intentions and ask theirs. Also discuss physical boundaries.
• Don’t commit until you’ve asked the hard questions
• Never assume anything about anyone. Ask about religion, finances, career, education, kids, sexual history, addictions, guns, drugs, and more.

Healthy Courting and Marriage

• Fix things before you tie the knot
• If you want something, make your demands before you are committed for life. Feel free to tell someone, “I will not marry you until you XYZ.” It is your life and your choice. 
• Get pre-marital counseling
• While you should have asked the tough questions earlier, counseling may bring up topics you forgot. Get squared away on every issue before you tie the knot.

Healthy Reality

• Know that no two people are alike
• Just because some people treated your poorly or did not meet your expectations does not mean you are doomed forever. There are more fish in the sea.
• Know that you are enough
• Relationships take time. Some people will never find their forever partner. Be happy with who you are so that relationship or not, you are complete.

Healthy Discernment

• Note red flags when you see them
• Some red flags are sexually suggestive dialog, talking about exes, being cheap with you while spending extravagantly on themselves, lies, and addictions.
• Know that not every good action is sincere
• Saying sorry and making up does not mean someone is sincere. Some domestic abusers mistreat women and then buy gifts to make up for it.

Healthy Modesty

• There’s no sin in being beautiful
• Aim for pretty, not sexy. Wear nice dresses and skirts that flatter you.
• Be approachable but not flirtatious
• Very few people will talk to you if you wear a sack and keep your eyes on the ground.

Learning from Dating

Teresa went out with Eric, a guy she met at a speed dating event.  He took her on a few dates and then invited her to his apartment.  Eric made advances on Teresa and she held her boundaries.  Eric then dumped Teresa, saying he wanted someone he could get physical with.

• A guy who wants to use you will leave.  A guy who loves you will wait for marriage.
• Your purity is worth more than some loser's approval.

Teresa went out with Araj, a guy she at a swing dancing event.  He took her to the zoo, where he did not offer to pay and proceeded to make sexual jokes.  When Teresa confronted him on this behavior, he said he wasn't looking for a relationship and just wanted to have fun.  He also admitted that he would never marry a non-Indian woman.

• No matter how great you may be, you will not be everyone's dream woman.
• Look at how much effort a man puts into a date and communicating with you.

Teresa went out with Rich, a guy she met online.  Rich was not the most chivalrous, talked repeatedly about exes, could not part with gifts from exes, lied, and proposed to Teresa with a below average ring.  Teresa declined the marriage proposal and decided to see other people who would treat her better.

• You don't have to marry the first guy who asks.  Aim for the best, not simply good enough.
• Take time to get to know someone as not all red flags show up immediately.

Teresa went out with Chris, a guy she met online.  He asked her to dinner, which was fun.  At dinner, he cursed and swore a lot.  When Teresa confronted him on this behavior, he said he wasn't ready for a relationship and was still figuring out what he wanted in life.

• Look at how much effort a man puts into a date and communicating with you.
• Don't settle for someone who makes you uncomfortable.

Teresa went out with Jack, a guy she met online.  He asked her to get coffee, which he did not even offer to pay for.  Teresa felt like the guy was not very interested in her and even asked Jack why.  Jack said that he was not ready for a relationship and was just getting practice talking to women.

• Look at how much effort a man puts into a date and communicating with you.
• Do not meet someone for coffee.  It is zero effort.

Teresa got breakfast with Alex, a guy she met online.  After the second date, which wasn't very thoughtful, he told Teresa that they weren't a good match because he wasn't ready for a relationship.  Teresa found out from facebook that Alex had recently got out of a relationship.  There were lots of pictures of Alex and his ex going to the ballet and him getting her flowers.

• All men know how to treat women well, even if they don't show it to YOU.  
• Know that some men may be on the rebound, and this has nothing to do with you.

Teresa was getting many men online "liking" her profile but not actually asking her out.  So, she decided to collect some data.  Every guy who "liked" her profile but didn't ask her out, she asked why.  Responses ranged from I'm not ready for a relationship to I'm just looking for fun.

• Look at how much effort a man puts into a date and communicating with you.
• Know that not every man who "likes" you online is relationship material.

Teresa got asked out by Chang.  Teresa said she'd go out with him if he cleaned up his language (he had a potty mouth).  Chang said he couldn't do that.  At a separate social outing, Teresa was talking to her friend Max.  Max began cursing, and she started to walk away.  Max said he'd promise not to swear if that meant Teresa would stay.  Teresa and Max are only friends but she likes his level of respect.

• If someone really likes you (even as just a friend), they will not want to make you uncomfortable.
• You don't have to tolerate bad behavior.  Walk away.

Teresa met two guys one week.  One guy said Teresa could spare to lose a few pounds, while the other guy said Teresa was too skinny.  Teresa was the same weight / same size when meeting both of those men.

• Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. 
• Aim to be your best self instead of trying to meet someone else's standard of beauty.  

Teresa met two guys one week.  One guy said Teresa was beautiful, while the other guy said he felt no chemistry.  Teresa had the same appearance when meeting both of those men.

• Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. 
• Aim to be your best self instead of trying to meet someone else's standard of beauty.  

Modesty Quotes

  

It can be hard living modestly, knowing you'd turn more heads than some other lady if you wore the same thing she was wearing or did your hair / makeup like her.  Modesty doesn't mean you look ugly but it also means you don't flaunt your beauty for just anybody.  You cover up (to the degree which you are comfortable) not out of shame but to save your beauty for one man who deserves it, your husband.  Also, while beauty can be concealed, it can never be truly hidden.  Even in a floor length gown, a guy can tell a lady is slender.  Even without an ounce of makeup, a guy can tell a lady has good skin.

The Overlapping Theory of Relationship Success

The basic premise is that each of the 4 "circles" must be good for a relationship to be successful.

• INTEREST LEVEL - Does the man view you as any more than a friend?  Is there attraction?  Is this man truly crazy about you?  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
• AVAILABILITY - Is this man truly single?  Is he pursuing someone else, still thinking about an ex, or spend hours on the computer with virtual women in his life?
• SERIOUSNESS - Does this man want a wife or just looking for something shallow?
• READINESS - Is this man at a place in his life where he is ready to pursue a woman?  Are his finances, education, career, and confidence in order?  Does this man have any medical problems or family issues going on?

We can not always assume a man is ready, interested, serious, and available.  Instead of worrying what is wrong with you when a man isn't pursuing you or things aren't going the way you had planned, think of what "circles" you're not sure of, what "circles" may be off. 

Outside of the circles is a box.  The box represents what YOU want.  Even if a guy is interested, serious, available, and ready does not mean you have to be with him.  Your happiness comes first.

First Comes Friendship

“The Way Most People Meet Their Significant Others Is Probably Not What You Think” by Lauren Leibowitz

• To increase your odds of meeting your partner, focus on friendship. Meeting thru friends or starting out as friends accounted for close to 40% of relationships. 

• While there are people who meet thru online dating services, they are the minority. I think part of this has to do with the term “significant other”. Lots of people meet thru online dating services, but how many of those dates turn into actual lasting relationships or marriages?

"The More We See Someone, The More Attractive We Find Them, Study Says" by Paul Watson

• Hamilton College did a study where they showed people's faces to a research group.  The faces that were shown repeatedly were later rated as being more attractive. 
• Psychologist Dr. Ravi Thiruchselvam says, “much to their surprise, people often find themselves drawn to individuals after multiple encounters, even when there was no initial attraction. Cupid’s arrow is often slow to strike. An important part of the phenomenon may be attributable to the gradual change in attractiveness from repetition.” 

Happy Wife, Happy Life

“Women Initiate Divorce Much More Than Men, Here's Why" by Douglas LaBier, PhD

• In a study of over 2,000 heterosexual couples, women initiated 70% of those divorces
• If the woman is not happy, the marriage is at risk.  Men may stay to try and make it work, but once some women reach their breaking points, there is little to no going back.

“The Breaking Point: Why Do Women Initiate Divorce More Than Men?" by Julie Danielson

• 90% of divorces are initiated by college-educated women
• "The internal process for a woman usually starts with her wondering why she is so unhappy...Looking at the marriage under a microscope reveals a multitude of infractions. He doesn’t help around the house. He doesn’t do his share to take care of the kids. He doesn’t buy her gifts. He doesn’t spend time with her. He doesn’t listen. He doesn’t connect with her at all. As a matter of fact, the marriage just feels empty to her as she investigates all of its faults."

Relationship Timelines

While there are always exceptions to the norm, there are some statistical averages for successful marriages as opposed to those which lead to divorce.  Note the years for each article as stats have changed over the years.  

“Replicating the Goldilocks Theory of Marriage and Divorce” by Nicholas H. Wolfinger (2015)

• The best age to marry is between 28 and 32.
• Why could this be? Before age 26, the brain is still developing. People are still dating around, deciding what they want, and forming life goals. After age 32, the bulk of the singles have already been taken. 

"The Divorce-Proof Marriage" by Olga Khazan (2014)

• To minimize your chance of divorce, date for 3 years before getting engaged.
• Marriage is a huge deal, so don't feel like you should rush into it.  Get to know your partner, have the difficult discussions, and get counseling.

“The Success of a Marriage” by Kaja Perina (2003)

• The best time for first date to proposal is 25 months (just over 2 years). This does not include time spent as friends or knowing each other before real dating.
• Why could this be? After about a year of solid dating, the couple should know enough to decide whether there is long term potential. In the second year, more serious discussions, trips to meet the family, and counseling can solidify the success of marriage.
• The time for first date to proposal that has the highest probability of divorce is 9 months (and marrying 6 months later), as well as at or after 3 years.
• Why could this be? Getting engaged after only 9 months and marrying 6 months later is rushing things. There likely will not have been enough time to make a wise decision. Also, infatuation wears off after 18 to 24 months.  As for the at or after 3 years, this usually indicates that the couple stayed together and delayed marriage for a long time. This is for a reason and likely due to some doubt about the relationship. Couples who wait so long to wed end up getting married because they’ve spent so much time together, they are getting older, all their friends are getting married, etc., even though deep down they are not a perfect match for each other.*
• This means that you are statistically the luckiest for meeting your future spouse between the ages of 26 and 30.
• In this phase of life, be yourself and make friends. Be patient and wait for a man to ask you out. If and when he does, be hesitant about making the relationship public / official. You are single until married. Four years is both a long time and a short time. If you are not 100% certain about a man, keep your options open. Otherwise, you may risk not meeting your perfect match because you are distracted with someone else. Also, common sense dictates that a man will not ask a woman out if he constantly sees her with another man or if her social media lists her as “in a relationship.” 
• Regardless of what society says or what’s in the media, do not have relations with men or live together before marriage. This will delay marriage (what’s the incentive?) and will likely leave you stuck (shotgun wedding due to pregnancy, staying for a lease, etc).

“Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others” by John T. Molloy (2016)

• Most men will not even consider marriage before 23 (HS) or 26 (college)
• The high-commitment period for college-educated men is from ages 28 to 33
• For men who go to graduate school (doctors, lawyers, etc) the high-commitment period runs from 30 to 36
• After age 37 or 38, the chance that a man will commit diminishes
• Most men will not even contemplate marriage until they have been working and living as independent adults for several years
• Once a man decides he’s too old for the singles scene, that part of his life is over, and he is more likely to marry
• If a man had even one long-term relationship with someone else, he’s very likely to be a stringer
• Men who have gone away to college or have worked in a different city are more likely to marry than men who have never left their parents’ home
• Men who look at marriage as a financial arrangement in which women have the most to gain are not likely to marry, nor are they good prospects—Run Fast!  
• Men whose parents divorced when they were young are often gun-shy about marrying.
• Men often marry women whose backgrounds — religion, politics, values, socioeconomic status  — matches theirs
• Men whose friends and siblings are married are more likely to marry
• If you wish to facilitate a trip to the altar, meet and date only the marrying kind!

Dating Around and Marrying Smart

“Love in 90 Days” by Diana Kirschner, PhD

• The great mathematician Frederick Mosteller has shown that you will maximize your odds of finding the best possible spouse if you date about 37% of the available candidates in your life, and then choose to stay with the next one who is better than all the rest. Any other strategy, whether choosing earlier or later, will significantly decrease your chances of success. For example: Suppose you expect to meet 100 potential partners in your lifetime. If you marry the first one, your chances of having found the best one are 1/100. If you wait to the last one, your chances are again 1/100. By sampling the first 37% of the total pool of candidates, not only will you learn about the various types of men and your responses to them, you will have entered the sweet spot of the probability curve where your chances are at their best. 
• 2009, Center Street Publishing, New York, NY, Pages 163-164
• Two recent studies conducted in Europe and Australia show that smart men prefer smart women and are happier for it. First, in a study of educational homogamy in marriage in 22 European countries, 14 countries showed a strong tendency toward homogamy, while in 7, the men actually married up! Second, the Australian study on 5,000 subjects revealed that men who married educated women are happier than those who partnered with uneducated ones. Furthermore, the author concluded that a man’s happiness level grew by 8% for each year of his wife’s post-high-school education. So, a college graduate brought he man 32% more happiness than a high school grad. In other words, solid research on marriage conducted around the world shows that the more educated women have become, the more attractive they are to the opposite sex.
• 2009, Center Street Publishing, New York, NY, Pages 225-226
• Christine Whelan’s Why Smart Men Marry Smart Women continued to explore this theme. In a Harris Interactive poll she commissioned 71% of high-earning or graduate-educated men said a woman’s career or educational success makes her more desirable as a wife, 68% report that smart women make better mothers, and 90% of high-achieving men say they want to marry—or are already married to—a woman who is as or more intelligent than they are. The men she interviewed said they were looking for an equal companion who could co-create the kind of future they want. Whelan concludes that smart women have both beauty and brains and are therefore more appealing. As Whelan says, “Gentleman prefer brains.”
• 2009, Center Street Publishing, New York, NY, Page 226

Given the prior blog post about how most men aren't ready for marriage until mid to late twenties, it is in a woman's best interest in her early 20s to pursue higher education.  Not only will it help her career but it will also make her more attractive and a better partner.

Occupation and Divorce

Below is a short summary of divorce rate by occupation. Doctors, lawyers, and engineers have low divorce rates. The full list may be found at “Divorce Rates by Profession” by Lex Fridman.

 “Under pressure: Submariners documentary” by Steve Meachman

• The divorce rate among submariners is huge – about 80%
• Military men are away for months at a time on deployment, which can strain marriages

Divorce Statistics

“Everything you need to know about divorce – facts, statistics, and rates” by Wilkinson and Finkbeiner Lawyers

• The average total cost of divorce in the United States is $15,000.
• A new study entitled “Divorce and Death” shows that broken marriages can kill at the same rate as smoking cigarettes. Indications that the risk of dying is a full 23% higher among divorcées than married people.
• An annual income of over $50,000 can decrease risk of divorce by as much as 30% versus those with an income of under $25k. 
• I personally think it is best to marry someone who is at least in the same tax bracket.  Too much gap in wages could mean someone is marrying for the wrong reasons (sugar momma, sugar daddy, etc).
• The same study also found that couples with no assets at the beginning of a three-year period are 70% more likely to divorce by the end of that period than couples with $10,000 in assets.
• Those with “below average” IQs are 50% more likely to be divorced than those with “above average” IQs.
• Individuals who have attended college have a 13% lower risk of divorce.
• Pornography addiction was cited as a factor in 56% of divorces according to a recent study.
• If a guy you’ve met does struggle in this area (ASK!), do NOT commit until he quits for good. Why should the guy be able to look at explicit pictures of other women and you can’t go out to simple dinners with other guys? Commitment is a two-way street.
• Each liter of alcohol consumer raises the chance of divorce by 20%! Factor in that the average American drinks 9.4 liters of Alcohol per year, raising their divorce likely hood by 188%!
• A multi-national study of mental disorders, marriage and divorce published in 2011 found that a sample of 18 mental disorders all increased the likelihood of divorce — ranging from a 20% increase to an 80% increase in the divorce rate. Addictions and major depression were the highest factors, with PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) also significant.
• A recent study of divorce petitions found that nearly 15% of them cited video game addiction as a major factor in the decision to get divorced.
• The risk of divorce was said to be almost doubled – 97% higher – when the mother went out to work but her husband made a “minimal contribution” to housework and childcare.
• If a person has strong religious beliefs, the risk of divorce is 14% less and having no religious affiliation makes you 14% more likely to get divorced. Amen!

“United States Divorce Statistics” by U.S. Census Bureau

• Percentage of divorce due to economic problems in 1997: 4.2%
• Percentage of divorce due to irreconcilable differences in 1997: 80%

Love Languages

“The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman

• From this book, I learned that there are 5 main love languages: Touch, Words, Gifts, Actions, Time
• Everyone gives and receives love differently. Any language can be cast in a negative light. Touch – pervert, words – insecure, gifts – gold digger, actions – entitled, time – clingy. If you deny yourself your love language out of fear of being “bad”, you will just end up unhappy.
• There are ways to make someone feel special using their love language while not giving too much away in the beginning.  Below is a table I made. 

	Initial Dating	Advanced Dating	Courting	Marriage
Touch	Handshake Fist pump	Holding hands Kiss on hand	Hug Kiss on cheek	Kiss on mouth Intimacy
Words	Small compliments	Larger Compliments	I love you	Will you marry me?
Gifts	Single Flower Paying for snack	A few flowers Paying for meal	A small bouquet  Promise ring	A normal bouquet  Engagement ring
Actions	Opening door	Calling on phone / Driving	Helping tasks that require assistance	Home repairs
Time	Partial day dates	Full day dates	Vacations together	Living together

• Some people have just one love language, some have all of them.  Some people give love in one language and receive love in another language.  When giving or receiving in a love language, I think it is best not to make any assumptions.  It is always better to be appear grateful instead of presumptuous. 
• For example, if a woman's love language is gifts, they shouldn't assume that the man will pay.  Where a check comes to the table, they should reach for their wallet and offer to pay.  Where there is a walk-up line in fast food, they should stay a few feet away from the man and wait to see if he offers to pay; otherwise, they are ready to buy their own food.
• For example, if a woman's love language is actions, they should not stand in front of a door and say AHEM forcing the man to hold it open.  Rather, they should just walk regularly and see if the man holds it open.  Also, instead of asking to be picked up in a vehicle, they should simply wait to see if a ride is offered.
• For example, if a man's love language is touch, they shouldn't assume that they can touch the woman wherever.  They should ask before, say, getting a hug. 
• For example, if a man's love language is time, they should not assume they can spend the whole day with the woman whenever they want.  Instead, they should get on the woman's schedule and let them know what time the outing starts and ends.
• For example, if neither the man nor the woman has the love language of words, both parties should still aim to be positive.  Do not use angry / bitter / complaining words or talk repeatedly about exes.

It is best to find someone who naturally speaks your same love language(s). Someone trying to speak your love language when it is not natural for them may lead to resentment on their part.

Dating and Neuroscience

“Wired for Dating” by Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT

• From this book, I learned that there are many neurochemicals going off inside the brain when two people meet. It is important to take time to get to know someone since those “feel good” chemicals do fade over time. These feelings can last 12 to 18 months.  Before getting serious with someone, thoroughly vet them. Ask the tough questions and meet the family. There are practical aspects of marriage beyond feelings.

"Love Factually" by Duana C. Welch, PhD

• I learned a lot from this book.  Most men go for youth / beauty while women go for protection / provision.  Women need to pay attention to a man's level of effort in courtship.  If he wants you to drive an hour to meet him for a coffee date that he texted you about a day before, he likely does not value you.  Men value what they have to work for.  Also, many men use women for sex, so it's best to wait.  Men can string women along for years as a backup or what the author calls a BTN (Better Than Nothing).  Wait for the best and don't commit until you have a true catch.

"Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov

• This book goes into male / female psychology and how many men confuse kindness for weakness.  It is imperative for women to stand up for themselves and not chase men.  A woman who gives and gives without any reciprocation or who becomes a doormat will never be cherished as a prize.  Keep your options open and never let the man think he has a complete hold on you because that is when he stops trying to win you.  Don't give a boyfriend the benefits of a husband.  Until you are married, you can date whoever you want whenever you want.  Also, never nag or fuss; men don't respond to words, they respond to no contact.

Self Love

Quotes by Tony Gaskins

• If you are ever feeling sad with someone, you need to NEVER fall into the negative self-talk where you blame yourself. Someone not treating you how you deserve to be treated is a reflection on the other person, not on you.
• “Love didn’t hurt you. Someone who didn’t know how to love hurt you and you confused the 2.”
• “Self-love doesn’t mean everyone is going to treat you how you deserve to be treated. It means you will never let others’ treatment of you affect how you view yourself and that you won’t stick around for them to destroy you.”

The Singles Map

There are various interactive maps that compile tax data to determine where single men are compared to single women for a given age bracket.

• In general, there are more men on the west coast and more women on the east coast.  Places like Seattle, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and San Diego have considerably more single men than single women.
• Many westward states that are tech hubs draw transplants.  Since few women pursue Science Technology Engineering Math (STEM) careers, there are simply not as many women as men moving west for work.  Also, some places are not only tech hubs but also have military bases.  Military bases are known to be predominantly male dominated.

"A singles map of the United States of America" by Richard Florida

Premarital Relations and Cohabitation

“To Divorce-Proof Yourself, Don’t Have Premarital Sex” by Joy Pullmann

• Women with 0 sexual partners before marriage have the lowest divorce rates. Yes, there are benefits to being a prude like myself. Plus, no diseases!
• People who have sex outside of marriage may compare their spouse to prior partners.  Also, those who don't have a fundamental belief that sex is ONLY for one's spouse may fall more easily into affairs.

“Does Premarital Cohabitation Raise Your Risk of Divorce?” by Arielle Kuperberg, PhD

• Couples who cohabited before marriage had a 33% higher chance of divorcing than couples who moved in together after the wedding ceremony
• While I think it's okay to visit someone's home or go on vacation together, I warn couples against moving in together.  Sometimes couples have troubles and are really not a good match but stay together just because of a lease.

Religion aside, the main reason I advocate for saving sex / leases for marriage is due to WASTED TIME.  People who start having sex or living together (the two often go hand-in-hand) oftentimes end up spending way too much time on a person who is not a good match.  Years later, they either break up or fall into marriages that were doomed from the start.  Some of the saddest women--and men--I know are those who've spent years of their life with someone who wasn't the best for them.  You don't get those years back.