"Stop Overthinking Your Relationship" by Alicia Munoz, LPC

As the title suggests, this book is all about reducing (and hopefully eliminating) rumination.  Rumination is where someone keeps thinking the same negative thoughts over and over.  This spills out onto relationships in the form of arguments, stonewalling, criticism, negativity, and other toxic traits.  What the author suggests is a four step "SLOW" process.  Stop and see what is going on with the rumination first.  Label the thought patterns and emotions.  Open up to the present moment, the here and now.  Welcome vulnerability by moving thru the trigger.  The author posits that rumination is actually a coping mechanism for anxiety.  Instead of confronting the negative emotion or trigger head-on, it is far easier to ruminate and mentally obsess over it.  For example, let's say your partner does not wash the dishes after dinner.  Rumination could lead to thinking the partner is lazy, doesn't care, selfish, good for nothing, and so on.  This will manifest as eye rolling, the silent treatment, complaints, and fights.  However, with the SLOW process, you can stop and see you are ruminating.  You can label the negative thoughts and triggers for what they are.  Then you can open yourself up to the present moment, the ground beneath you, your breath, the dog in the corner, and the clothes on your back.  Lastly, you can welcome the discomfort of living with unwashed dishes.  From there one calms themselves down, understands what is happening, and is then in a much clearer head space to either "let it go" or more calmly communicate discomfort and boundaries.  I highly recommend this book for anyone who wants to better master their inner thought life and emotional intelligence.

 

"Master Your Emotions" by Thibaut Meurisse

 

Everyone has emotions and gets emotional.  For those who find themselves slaves to their emotions, this book is a tremendous help.  The author helps readers understand what emotions are, how they form, and what actions one needs to take to ensure a positive rather than negative outcome.  Readers are instructed to ask themselves what event has taken place, how they interpret said event, how they attach to it, and how they can change it.  Emphasis is placed on events inside vs outside of one's control.  If someone truly cannot change something, it's fine to feel the negative emotions and let them pass, but it is fruitless to wallow in and identify with the negative emotions.  I really liked the analogies used on emotions.  Emotions are like clothes.  We can wear them, put them on, and put them off, but they are not us.  Emotions are like clouds.  They can pass by the sun, but they are not the sun.  The simple art of reframing is very powerful.  Instead of saying "I am sad", simply say "I feel sad".  Dig deep into why that is and proactively detach from it.  Then and only then can one truly master their emotions.

"The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger

Despite the title, this book is not full of recipes.  Rather, it includes commonsense tips and advice for making husbands happy.  Dr. Schlessinger does not mince words when it comes to telling women the truth.  She cuts thru the nonsense and double standards to reveal the hypocrisies of many wives.  Emphasis is placed on treating men fairly, respecting a man in his home, encouraging a man, appreciating a man, caring for men, and being mindful of one's words.  If a man yells at a woman it is verbal abuse, but if a woman yells at a man it is normal--this is a double standard of hypocrisy.  The author explains how women are not such a prize that men will put up with poor treatment forever.  When the straw breaks the camel's back, worn down husbands will simply leave, whether that be physically, mentally, or emotionally.  In order to have a happy marriage, women must treat their husbands with the same respect they would a stranger.  Familiarity unfortunately breeds contempt, which is a destroyer of marriage.  If more women could learn to "not sweat the small stuff", "let it go", "forgive and move on", and simply be grateful for all that their men do, there would be a lot less divorce.  I recommend this book for any woman aspiring to marriage.  Forget planning for the wedding - plan for the marriage instead.

 

"The Surrendered Wife" and "First, Kill All the Marriage Counselors" by Laura Doyle

 

These two books have truly been life-changing in how I think of relationships.  Whenever there is any sort of conflict, most people's first instinct is to "consult the professionals" and "get counseling".  However, as Doyle and countless women have realized far too late, counselors often make matters worse instead of better.  Counselors don't truly know the whole story of a relationship and they focus far too much on the past / negativity.  Two people complain about each other in front of a stranger in hopes that the other person will be convinced the error of their ways.  All this does is breed animosity and hasten the divorce process.  As someone who's been down that excruciating road before, Doyle changed her strategy.  She asked women who were happily married for decades what their secrets were and the answers shocked her.  She understood that the only person a woman can change is herself--not her husband.  Despite women's innate desire to control, that translates into disrespect and lack of intimacy with a man.  To have a successful marriage, women need to learn how to let things go, trust the man they agreed to marry, express their desires without expectation, graciously receive with gratitude, and stop all attempts to "help" or "teach" a man.  Now of course there are exceptions.  No woman should respect a man's decision to beat her or have an affair.  However, if a man's decisions or actions do not physically cause harm or break any laws, it's in the woman's best interest to simply "let it be".  This is easier said than done, which is why Doyle offers an online course and professional coaches that help women be more respectful.  I wish I learned these skills years ago but am glad I learned them in my early 30s.  Having joined the Doyle online coaching program, I witnessed women well into their 40s, 50s, 60s, and beyond all struggle with collapsing marriages because they did not know how to be respectful.  No matter where you are in life or whether you are single vs married, I recommend reading these books to ensure a successful marriage in the future.