First Comes Friendship

“The Way Most People Meet Their Significant Others Is Probably Not What You Think” by Lauren Leibowitz

• To increase your odds of meeting your partner, focus on friendship. Meeting thru friends or starting out as friends accounted for close to 40% of relationships. 

• While there are people who meet thru online dating services, they are the minority. I think part of this has to do with the term “significant other”. Lots of people meet thru online dating services, but how many of those dates turn into actual lasting relationships or marriages?

"The More We See Someone, The More Attractive We Find Them, Study Says" by Paul Watson

• Hamilton College did a study where they showed people's faces to a research group.  The faces that were shown repeatedly were later rated as being more attractive. 
• Psychologist Dr. Ravi Thiruchselvam says, “much to their surprise, people often find themselves drawn to individuals after multiple encounters, even when there was no initial attraction. Cupid’s arrow is often slow to strike. An important part of the phenomenon may be attributable to the gradual change in attractiveness from repetition.” 

Happy Wife, Happy Life

“Women Initiate Divorce Much More Than Men, Here's Why" by Douglas LaBier, PhD

• In a study of over 2,000 heterosexual couples, women initiated 70% of those divorces
• If the woman is not happy, the marriage is at risk.  Men may stay to try and make it work, but once some women reach their breaking points, there is little to no going back.

“The Breaking Point: Why Do Women Initiate Divorce More Than Men?" by Julie Danielson

• 90% of divorces are initiated by college-educated women
• "The internal process for a woman usually starts with her wondering why she is so unhappy...Looking at the marriage under a microscope reveals a multitude of infractions. He doesn’t help around the house. He doesn’t do his share to take care of the kids. He doesn’t buy her gifts. He doesn’t spend time with her. He doesn’t listen. He doesn’t connect with her at all. As a matter of fact, the marriage just feels empty to her as she investigates all of its faults."

Relationship Timelines

While there are always exceptions to the norm, there are some statistical averages for successful marriages as opposed to those which lead to divorce.  Note the years for each article as stats have changed over the years.  

“Replicating the Goldilocks Theory of Marriage and Divorce” by Nicholas H. Wolfinger (2015)

• The best age to marry is between 28 and 32.
• Why could this be? Before age 26, the brain is still developing. People are still dating around, deciding what they want, and forming life goals. After age 32, the bulk of the singles have already been taken. 

"The Divorce-Proof Marriage" by Olga Khazan (2014)

• To minimize your chance of divorce, date for 3 years before getting engaged.
• Marriage is a huge deal, so don't feel like you should rush into it.  Get to know your partner, have the difficult discussions, and get counseling.

“The Success of a Marriage” by Kaja Perina (2003)

• The best time for first date to proposal is 25 months (just over 2 years). This does not include time spent as friends or knowing each other before real dating.
• Why could this be? After about a year of solid dating, the couple should know enough to decide whether there is long term potential. In the second year, more serious discussions, trips to meet the family, and counseling can solidify the success of marriage.
• The time for first date to proposal that has the highest probability of divorce is 9 months (and marrying 6 months later), as well as at or after 3 years.
• Why could this be? Getting engaged after only 9 months and marrying 6 months later is rushing things. There likely will not have been enough time to make a wise decision. Also, infatuation wears off after 18 to 24 months.  As for the at or after 3 years, this usually indicates that the couple stayed together and delayed marriage for a long time. This is for a reason and likely due to some doubt about the relationship. Couples who wait so long to wed end up getting married because they’ve spent so much time together, they are getting older, all their friends are getting married, etc., even though deep down they are not a perfect match for each other.*
• This means that you are statistically the luckiest for meeting your future spouse between the ages of 26 and 30.
• In this phase of life, be yourself and make friends. Be patient and wait for a man to ask you out. If and when he does, be hesitant about making the relationship public / official. You are single until married. Four years is both a long time and a short time. If you are not 100% certain about a man, keep your options open. Otherwise, you may risk not meeting your perfect match because you are distracted with someone else. Also, common sense dictates that a man will not ask a woman out if he constantly sees her with another man or if her social media lists her as “in a relationship.” 
• Regardless of what society says or what’s in the media, do not have relations with men or live together before marriage. This will delay marriage (what’s the incentive?) and will likely leave you stuck (shotgun wedding due to pregnancy, staying for a lease, etc).

“Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others” by John T. Molloy (2016)

• Most men will not even consider marriage before 23 (HS) or 26 (college)
• The high-commitment period for college-educated men is from ages 28 to 33
• For men who go to graduate school (doctors, lawyers, etc) the high-commitment period runs from 30 to 36
• After age 37 or 38, the chance that a man will commit diminishes
• Most men will not even contemplate marriage until they have been working and living as independent adults for several years
• Once a man decides he’s too old for the singles scene, that part of his life is over, and he is more likely to marry
• If a man had even one long-term relationship with someone else, he’s very likely to be a stringer
• Men who have gone away to college or have worked in a different city are more likely to marry than men who have never left their parents’ home
• Men who look at marriage as a financial arrangement in which women have the most to gain are not likely to marry, nor are they good prospects—Run Fast!  
• Men whose parents divorced when they were young are often gun-shy about marrying.
• Men often marry women whose backgrounds — religion, politics, values, socioeconomic status  — matches theirs
• Men whose friends and siblings are married are more likely to marry
• If you wish to facilitate a trip to the altar, meet and date only the marrying kind!

Dating Around and Marrying Smart

“Love in 90 Days” by Diana Kirschner, PhD

• The great mathematician Frederick Mosteller has shown that you will maximize your odds of finding the best possible spouse if you date about 37% of the available candidates in your life, and then choose to stay with the next one who is better than all the rest. Any other strategy, whether choosing earlier or later, will significantly decrease your chances of success. For example: Suppose you expect to meet 100 potential partners in your lifetime. If you marry the first one, your chances of having found the best one are 1/100. If you wait to the last one, your chances are again 1/100. By sampling the first 37% of the total pool of candidates, not only will you learn about the various types of men and your responses to them, you will have entered the sweet spot of the probability curve where your chances are at their best. 
• 2009, Center Street Publishing, New York, NY, Pages 163-164
• Two recent studies conducted in Europe and Australia show that smart men prefer smart women and are happier for it. First, in a study of educational homogamy in marriage in 22 European countries, 14 countries showed a strong tendency toward homogamy, while in 7, the men actually married up! Second, the Australian study on 5,000 subjects revealed that men who married educated women are happier than those who partnered with uneducated ones. Furthermore, the author concluded that a man’s happiness level grew by 8% for each year of his wife’s post-high-school education. So, a college graduate brought he man 32% more happiness than a high school grad. In other words, solid research on marriage conducted around the world shows that the more educated women have become, the more attractive they are to the opposite sex.
• 2009, Center Street Publishing, New York, NY, Pages 225-226
• Christine Whelan’s Why Smart Men Marry Smart Women continued to explore this theme. In a Harris Interactive poll she commissioned 71% of high-earning or graduate-educated men said a woman’s career or educational success makes her more desirable as a wife, 68% report that smart women make better mothers, and 90% of high-achieving men say they want to marry—or are already married to—a woman who is as or more intelligent than they are. The men she interviewed said they were looking for an equal companion who could co-create the kind of future they want. Whelan concludes that smart women have both beauty and brains and are therefore more appealing. As Whelan says, “Gentleman prefer brains.”
• 2009, Center Street Publishing, New York, NY, Page 226

Given the prior blog post about how most men aren't ready for marriage until mid to late twenties, it is in a woman's best interest in her early 20s to pursue higher education.  Not only will it help her career but it will also make her more attractive and a better partner.

Occupation and Divorce

Below is a short summary of divorce rate by occupation. Doctors, lawyers, and engineers have low divorce rates. The full list may be found at “Divorce Rates by Profession” by Lex Fridman.

 “Under pressure: Submariners documentary” by Steve Meachman

• The divorce rate among submariners is huge – about 80%
• Military men are away for months at a time on deployment, which can strain marriages

Divorce Statistics

“Everything you need to know about divorce – facts, statistics, and rates” by Wilkinson and Finkbeiner Lawyers

• The average total cost of divorce in the United States is $15,000.
• A new study entitled “Divorce and Death” shows that broken marriages can kill at the same rate as smoking cigarettes. Indications that the risk of dying is a full 23% higher among divorcées than married people.
• An annual income of over $50,000 can decrease risk of divorce by as much as 30% versus those with an income of under $25k. 
• I personally think it is best to marry someone who is at least in the same tax bracket.  Too much gap in wages could mean someone is marrying for the wrong reasons (sugar momma, sugar daddy, etc).
• The same study also found that couples with no assets at the beginning of a three-year period are 70% more likely to divorce by the end of that period than couples with $10,000 in assets.
• Those with “below average” IQs are 50% more likely to be divorced than those with “above average” IQs.
• Individuals who have attended college have a 13% lower risk of divorce.
• Pornography addiction was cited as a factor in 56% of divorces according to a recent study.
• If a guy you’ve met does struggle in this area (ASK!), do NOT commit until he quits for good. Why should the guy be able to look at explicit pictures of other women and you can’t go out to simple dinners with other guys? Commitment is a two-way street.
• Each liter of alcohol consumer raises the chance of divorce by 20%! Factor in that the average American drinks 9.4 liters of Alcohol per year, raising their divorce likely hood by 188%!
• A multi-national study of mental disorders, marriage and divorce published in 2011 found that a sample of 18 mental disorders all increased the likelihood of divorce — ranging from a 20% increase to an 80% increase in the divorce rate. Addictions and major depression were the highest factors, with PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) also significant.
• A recent study of divorce petitions found that nearly 15% of them cited video game addiction as a major factor in the decision to get divorced.
• The risk of divorce was said to be almost doubled – 97% higher – when the mother went out to work but her husband made a “minimal contribution” to housework and childcare.
• If a person has strong religious beliefs, the risk of divorce is 14% less and having no religious affiliation makes you 14% more likely to get divorced. Amen!

“United States Divorce Statistics” by U.S. Census Bureau

• Percentage of divorce due to economic problems in 1997: 4.2%
• Percentage of divorce due to irreconcilable differences in 1997: 80%

Love Languages

“The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman

• From this book, I learned that there are 5 main love languages: Touch, Words, Gifts, Actions, Time
• Everyone gives and receives love differently. Any language can be cast in a negative light. Touch – pervert, words – insecure, gifts – gold digger, actions – entitled, time – clingy. If you deny yourself your love language out of fear of being “bad”, you will just end up unhappy.
• There are ways to make someone feel special using their love language while not giving too much away in the beginning.  Below is a table I made. 

	Initial Dating	Advanced Dating	Courting	Marriage
Touch	Handshake Fist pump	Holding hands Kiss on hand	Hug Kiss on cheek	Kiss on mouth Intimacy
Words	Small compliments	Larger Compliments	I love you	Will you marry me?
Gifts	Single Flower Paying for snack	A few flowers Paying for meal	A small bouquet  Promise ring	A normal bouquet  Engagement ring
Actions	Opening door	Calling on phone / Driving	Helping tasks that require assistance	Home repairs
Time	Partial day dates	Full day dates	Vacations together	Living together

• Some people have just one love language, some have all of them.  Some people give love in one language and receive love in another language.  When giving or receiving in a love language, I think it is best not to make any assumptions.  It is always better to be appear grateful instead of presumptuous. 
• For example, if a woman's love language is gifts, they shouldn't assume that the man will pay.  Where a check comes to the table, they should reach for their wallet and offer to pay.  Where there is a walk-up line in fast food, they should stay a few feet away from the man and wait to see if he offers to pay; otherwise, they are ready to buy their own food.
• For example, if a woman's love language is actions, they should not stand in front of a door and say AHEM forcing the man to hold it open.  Rather, they should just walk regularly and see if the man holds it open.  Also, instead of asking to be picked up in a vehicle, they should simply wait to see if a ride is offered.
• For example, if a man's love language is touch, they shouldn't assume that they can touch the woman wherever.  They should ask before, say, getting a hug. 
• For example, if a man's love language is time, they should not assume they can spend the whole day with the woman whenever they want.  Instead, they should get on the woman's schedule and let them know what time the outing starts and ends.
• For example, if neither the man nor the woman has the love language of words, both parties should still aim to be positive.  Do not use angry / bitter / complaining words or talk repeatedly about exes.

It is best to find someone who naturally speaks your same love language(s). Someone trying to speak your love language when it is not natural for them may lead to resentment on their part.

Dating and Neuroscience

“Wired for Dating” by Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT

• From this book, I learned that there are many neurochemicals going off inside the brain when two people meet. It is important to take time to get to know someone since those “feel good” chemicals do fade over time. These feelings can last 12 to 18 months.  Before getting serious with someone, thoroughly vet them. Ask the tough questions and meet the family. There are practical aspects of marriage beyond feelings.

"Love Factually" by Duana C. Welch, PhD

• I learned a lot from this book.  Most men go for youth / beauty while women go for protection / provision.  Women need to pay attention to a man's level of effort in courtship.  If he wants you to drive an hour to meet him for a coffee date that he texted you about a day before, he likely does not value you.  Men value what they have to work for.  Also, many men use women for sex, so it's best to wait.  Men can string women along for years as a backup or what the author calls a BTN (Better Than Nothing).  Wait for the best and don't commit until you have a true catch.

"Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov

• This book goes into male / female psychology and how many men confuse kindness for weakness.  It is imperative for women to stand up for themselves and not chase men.  A woman who gives and gives without any reciprocation or who becomes a doormat will never be cherished as a prize.  Keep your options open and never let the man think he has a complete hold on you because that is when he stops trying to win you.  Don't give a boyfriend the benefits of a husband.  Until you are married, you can date whoever you want whenever you want.  Also, never nag or fuss; men don't respond to words, they respond to no contact.

Self Love

Quotes by Tony Gaskins

• If you are ever feeling sad with someone, you need to NEVER fall into the negative self-talk where you blame yourself. Someone not treating you how you deserve to be treated is a reflection on the other person, not on you.
• “Love didn’t hurt you. Someone who didn’t know how to love hurt you and you confused the 2.”
• “Self-love doesn’t mean everyone is going to treat you how you deserve to be treated. It means you will never let others’ treatment of you affect how you view yourself and that you won’t stick around for them to destroy you.”

The Singles Map

There are various interactive maps that compile tax data to determine where single men are compared to single women for a given age bracket.

• In general, there are more men on the west coast and more women on the east coast.  Places like Seattle, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and San Diego have considerably more single men than single women.
• Many westward states that are tech hubs draw transplants.  Since few women pursue Science Technology Engineering Math (STEM) careers, there are simply not as many women as men moving west for work.  Also, some places are not only tech hubs but also have military bases.  Military bases are known to be predominantly male dominated.

"A singles map of the United States of America" by Richard Florida

Premarital Relations and Cohabitation

“To Divorce-Proof Yourself, Don’t Have Premarital Sex” by Joy Pullmann

• Women with 0 sexual partners before marriage have the lowest divorce rates. Yes, there are benefits to being a prude like myself. Plus, no diseases!
• People who have sex outside of marriage may compare their spouse to prior partners.  Also, those who don't have a fundamental belief that sex is ONLY for one's spouse may fall more easily into affairs.

“Does Premarital Cohabitation Raise Your Risk of Divorce?” by Arielle Kuperberg, PhD

• Couples who cohabited before marriage had a 33% higher chance of divorcing than couples who moved in together after the wedding ceremony
• While I think it's okay to visit someone's home or go on vacation together, I warn couples against moving in together.  Sometimes couples have troubles and are really not a good match but stay together just because of a lease.

Religion aside, the main reason I advocate for saving sex / leases for marriage is due to WASTED TIME.  People who start having sex or living together (the two often go hand-in-hand) oftentimes end up spending way too much time on a person who is not a good match.  Years later, they either break up or fall into marriages that were doomed from the start.  Some of the saddest women--and men--I know are those who've spent years of their life with someone who wasn't the best for them.  You don't get those years back.  

"Sara Learns the Secret about the Law of Attraction" by Esther and Jerry Hicks

I listened to this book as an audio book CD while driving to and from work.  This is more of a fiction story than a non fiction story.  Sara, a little girl, goes to school and has her friends.  One day she meets a wise owl called Solomon who teaches her about the Law of Attraction.  Through a series of encounters, lessons, and examples, Sara's life improves as she learns this very important "secret".  Sara begins to enjoy school more when she focuses on the positive aspects of learning.  She begins to have better interactions with her schoolmates when she refuses to think about bullying or what other students think of her.  Sara even begins to have better grades on her exams.  All of this is because she learns how to think good thoughts, focus on the positive, and keep her "valve of happiness" open.  This is an excellent introduction to the Law of Attraction suitable for children.  Between chapters, there is lovely instrumental music. 

"Money and the Law of Attraction" by Esther and Jerry Hicks

I listened to this book as an audio book CD while driving around in my vehicle.  The main premise is that people get what they choose to focus on.  When it comes to money, people must think they are wealthy before they can truly become wealthy.  The authors also talk about health and how one can not be healthy when constantly surrounded by sick people or discussing sickness.  There is practical advice in this book beyond just positive thinking.  For instance, people don't just think they are wealthy and then get a check in the mail.  Rather, people think they are wealthy and, with that confidence, come to develop new ideas that make money.  One gentleman kept thinking he'd be a millionaire and then realized that if he sold a million books, he would have a million dollars.  This man went on a write a bestselling novel.  The authors talk about how the law of attraction takes time.  You don't just think wealthy thoughts and get your riches immediately.  It takes time.

"When God Was a Bird" by Mark I Wallace

Wowza, did this book really impact me!  I was a bit skeptical when I picked this book up, thinking it'd be some hippy pagan crossover with people worshipping birds.  However, I was wrong.  As I began to turn the pages, I discovered a whole new paradigm that was in the Bible all along but which had gone under my radar for years.  Wallace points out various scriptures where God takes on physical form--from the Old Testament burning bush to the New Testament Holy Spirit dove.  Wallace argues that since everything God created is good and full of a divine spirit, we should respect all of creation.  There are several chapters that go into environmentalism, the wonder of flight, and how ancient peoples viewed birds.  Also fascinating is the concept of creating animal images in the Bible.  While there are commandments against making images of creatures, there are the cherubs on the ark of the covenant, as well as the bronze serpent in the Exodus.  Wallace argues that honoring creatures is not unholy...except when there is no divine cause.  This is why it was wrong to make the golden calf but not wrong to make other objects that look like animals.  I urge readers to take this book on for themselves and see how their perspective changes.  Neither I nor Wallace are pagans.  We believe in one God.  However, we believe God can inhabit whatever creature God wants and that, as such, all creation is worthy of care, honor, and respect.

"The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne

I listened to this book as an audio book CD while driving around in my vehicle.  Rhonda takes readers through her massive journey to discover what she calls "the secret".  She references PhDs, researchers, philosophers, and even particle physicists.  Her journey takes her thousands of years in the past and right up to our current day.  The secret is that one's thoughts determine one's outcomes in life.  Rhonda explains how people need to ask, believe, and think about what they want in life.  People are energy with frequency and will get back in life what they emit into the universe (their thoughts).  Rhonda emphasizes that people need to think about what they do want instead of what they don't want.  In a fascinating example, it is noted that someone who thinks "I am healthy" will tend to be healthy while someone who thinks "I need to lose weight" will tend to be overweight so that statement is always true (they are heavy so they can be always needing to lose weight and fulfilling that thought).  While I don't think that life is some big magic game where we can just wish fantasy into existence, I do believe that the thinking has a huge impact on reality.  Those who focus on what they want will likely be more focused on their goals and be more optimistic about reaching them.  Good vibes only!

"The Lipstick Gospel" by Stephanie May Wilson

This book follows the story of a college-aged Stephanie.  Readers go thru sororities with her, thru boyfriends and breakups, thru study aboard cultural exchange programs, and thru missions trips.  Stephanie starts out as an ordinary girl who wants to fit in and find her dream boy.  Over time, though, life hits hard and Stephanie starts to feel empty.  The boyfriend dumps her, the friends abandon her, and nothing is certain.  Stephanie sees God as boring and old-fashioned until she finds spirituality for herself in Europe with friends.  Stephanie comes to understand that God is wild and adventurous, accepting and kind.  Most importantly, Stephanie discovers that God loves her just the way she is.  This book is written from a Christian perspective but is an interesting story nonetheless,

"Living a Life you Love" by Joyce Meyer

I listened to this book as an audio book CD while driving around in my car.  It is both positive and uplifting.  While geared towards woman, the lessons taught in the book apply to everybody.  Meyer emphasizes how all people are created equal, regardless of age, weight, race, ethnicity, and so on.  She also notes that God loves all people.  Thus, all people deserve to be happy and love their life.  There are many examples in the book, from donating to charity to calling up a friend.  Meyer goes on about the delight found in helping others and fostering friendships.  This book is written from a Christian perspective, so be aware of that.  Religion aside, Meyer makes a very good case for not only why people should love their lives but also how to go about doing so.

"Start Here: Master the Lifelong Habit of Well-Being" by Eric Langshur & Nate Klemp, PhD

I listened to this book as an audio book CD while driving to and from work.  Much to my surprise, this was not a book about nutrition, diet, and exercise, but rather a book about mindfulness, meditation, and tranquility.  The authors combat stress, anxiety, worry, anger, and other sour emotions by encouraging listeners to stop, notice, and rewire.  Stop the negative emotion and calm down.  Notice where one's thoughts are directed.  Rewire thoughts to align more closely with reality and peace.  A common phrase used in the book is the question "is it true?".  All too often, we make up stories in our heads about ourselves and others that are simply not true.  For instance, if a boss is moody at work, that doesn't mean the boss hates us.  Perhaps the boss has a stomach ache or didn't get enough sleep the night before or is having family troubles.  Who knows.  It does no good to jump to conclusions, especially if those conclusions do more harm than good for our well being.  

"Living Without Stress or Fear" by Thich Nhat Hanh

I listened to this book as an audio book CD in my vehicle.  The title really struck me as something I should investigate.  After all, who doesn't want to live without stress or fear?  I quickly learned that this book is written by a Zen monk.  It covers various monk philosophies ranging from friendship, respect, love, harmony, nature, exercise, and more.  At no point did I feel the author was trying to convert me to a new religion or to convince me to become a monk.  Rather, I felt like I was sitting in on an exclusive look into the life of a monk.  I learned how all life is connected and how people never truly die (in the same sense that clouds never truly die).  I learned about how matter is not created or destroyed but instead transformed from one form to another.  I learned about the Buddha and other historical figures.  I learned how one of the true paths to "enlightenment" is simply understanding.  This book was very relaxing and I recommend it to others.

"Understanding Investments - The Great Courses" by Professor Connel Fullenkamp from Duke University

This audio book CD is all about financial investments.  It covers the stock market, bonds, 401Ks, real estate, foreign currency, and so much more.  This course is 12 CDs and very academic.  Listeners will feel like they are back in school with a professor as they learn the theory behind economics.  I would not say this is a "get rich quick" course but rather a scholarly course of how economics work.  I learned a lot but would say some parts went over my head.  Luckily, the audio book comes with a small physical book that recaps terms and concepts.  You will even use equations and spreadsheets in this course, so come ready to learn!